Goodbye Baby

I've been dreading this day since before Lexi was born. It is "First Day Back to Work" eve and I'm having a hard time facing the fact that I'm actually going to have to set my alarm tonight so that I can wake up to pure craziness as I try to get myself and three kids ready for work/school/daycare.

Lexi apparently has some sort of sixth sense that her world is going to be rocked tomorrow because as I'm scampering around the house laying out clothes, packing bags, etc., she is screaming bloody murder for half an hour while my husband tries to comfort her. After getting thing in order I take her from my husband and she immediately stops crying and nuzzles into my neck. Those sweet snuggles are what I'm going to miss most tomorrow. After feeding her, giving her a bath, and dressing her for bed I hand her over to Brad again and the screaming ensues. I get her back and she's asleep in about 5 minutes. I have to say that I did get some sick satisfaction that tonight she chose me over him.

So everyone is tucked in and ready for a new day but I sit here feeling a little sad and overwhelmed of what's to come. Of course I felt a little of this when I returned to work after the other two but it seems a little worse this time. I've been contemplating this over the past few weeks and the only reason I can come up with is we have decided this will be it. Our final child. And although I knew this going into my pregnancy I have to admit I feel like I am mourning every little thing as Lexi grows.

The first thing was Lexi's birth. I was extremely ready to have her. I had been having terrible back pain for the last month and was ready to meet our new baby. But at the moment I delivered her a complete and utter sadness overcame me (no, I don't think it was postpartum). I felt so empty. It was a feeling I don't remember feeling with the other two because of the excitement of finding out whether we just had a boy or girl and of meeting our new baby. But this time was different. I literally felt empty as I pushed her out. I felt like I had been hollowed out and that a part of me was missing. I also felt a bit of a panic as the realization came over me that their would never be someone growing and moving around inside of me again and I will truly miss that.

Of course I was filled with joy at meeting our brand new baby girl but as we left the hospital I felt a bit nostalgic as I remembered all of the wonderful doctors, nurses and staff who had made each stay so enjoyable. People that I will never see again. When I returned home and faced the tubs of boy clothes that would never be worn by a child of mine I had a hard time letting go. The memories of Will in certain outfits made me a little sad as I realized what a big boy he was. And, yes, even when Lexi began sleeping through the night I felt a sadness that I would never again have those middle of the night moments feeding and snuggling my baby while the rest of the family slept.

And now, as I return to work, the reality of how quickly time goes by is most poignant. I love my job and love the staff and kids I work with but the reality is the time I spend at work is time that I am not with my own children. It is hard to say goodbye to them each day and know that they will make new discoveries and learn how to do new things without me being there. They will continue to grow and I won't always be there to see them do it. I will miss them and as they grow I will miss these baby days.