Guilt and Consequences

I had high hopes for this morning. We're coming off of two nights of parent-teacher conferences in which I had to work late. That means two full days of seeing my children for less than an hour, late bedtimes, and no schedule sprinkled with a whole lot of stress dealing with paperwork, leading professional development, and little sleep. To top it off, when I came home last night I was a little stressed about prepping for my son's birthday which is today. Traditions like decorating his bedroom door and decorating the windows with birthday messages seemed like impossible tasks.

But, with two late nights we were rewarded with a comp day off work. Perfect! We can sleep in, have a fun birthday breakfast, and have some good quality family time to make up for my absence over the past week. We were going to open presents, talk about their weeks, snuggle....not so much.

This morning was a bit of a nightmare. The kids were wired and whiny from not seeing me the past two days. They fought for attention, they fought with each other, they whined for breakfast...they were acting like brats.

After kindly asking them to stop fighting and whining several times I lost it. All I wanted to do today was relax and enjoy my children; my loving children who, for the most part, are good kids. Instead I was yelling and screaming at the brats they were being. And I told them that. I told them I was extremely disappointed in how this morning was going. I told them they were acting like brats. I told them, as I am trying to hold back tears, that I didn't want to see them right now and sent them to their rooms with no electronics for the rest of the day.

And I instantly felt guilty. Guilty for how I talked to them but more than anything, guilty because part of the reason they were acting this way was because they were needing me and my attention.

After about 15 minutes, Will sneaks up into my room and hands me a book he has made for me and it about makes me cry again.

Mom's Fun Book

page 1 ~ 1 Free Massage

page 2 ~ 1 Free Foot Massage

page 3 ~ 1 60 Seconds of Hug of Joy

page 4 ~ 1 Breakfast in Bed

page 5 ~ Hugs From Me for Life

page 6 ~ 1 10 Second Nose Nuzzle

page 7 ~ 15 Minutes of Relaxation

page 8 ~ 15 Minutes of Time with Me

page 9 ~ 20 Minutes of Leaving You Alone (my favorite)

page 10 ~ 1 Free Kiss

In this moment it makes me realize a few things. We all feel guilty as moms. It can't be helped. It makes us feel guilty when we can't be there for field trips or special activities. It makes us feel guilty when we have to put work ahead of our children. It makes us feel guilty when we take a break from them. Today I felt guilty for yelling and screaming at them and for sending them to their rooms and taking away electronics when all I wanted to do was love on them.

But we can't let our guilt get in the way of giving our kids what they need in order to help shape them into good people. Today my kids were brats and they were given consequences for their actions. I would have preferred being able to spend time with them but they needed to realize they can't get away with being disrespectful to me and unkind to their siblings.

What makes me proud of them is they went to their rooms...okay, they went to their rooms and then snuck into each other's rooms...and decided to work together to make this book. This book is their apology for their actions. They aren't mad at me for punishing them. They are sorry for what they have done.

It is hard to hold our children accountable sometimes, especially with all of the guilt we feel at times. But we can't let our guilt get in the way of being good parents and doing what we need to do when our kids are being bad. I hope my kids realize this as they grow and love me despite the fact I dole out punishments. I know I am not a perfect mom...this week I have felt like a terrible mom, but my little present from my kids reassured me that I'm doing alright.

The Pursuit of Everything

Priority ~ Stop and smell
the roses (or zinnias in
case)!

We have this ideal in today's society that we can have it ALL. It's thrown in our faces from all directions...travel to ___ where you can see it all! Buy a ____ so you can have it all! Wear ____ so you can look like you have it all!

And we are suckers. We believe it. We think if we work hard enough and find the right person and have the right number of kids and choose the right career and do all of the above we will have it all and then all of our dreams will be fulfilled. This does seem pretty desirable but it is it really attainable?

Priority ~ Stay active so I can be
active for as long as possible.

The truth is we just probably are not going to have it ALL ever and even if we do get it all at some point we're probably not going to have it all at once. You might have a great marriage but your marriage is going to go through pretty tough times. You might have wonderful kids but there are going to be times when you think, "Who created these monsters?" You might have a career that you love but yearn to be able to spend more time at home. You might get to stay home with your kids but yearn to feel the "success" of a working mother.

Priority ~ enjoy the joys of my children,
even if that means playing in the year's
first snowfall at 10 PM on a school night.
Chances are, school will be cancelled
anyway :)

For me, I'm not sure I will ever have it ALL. My husband and I work very hard. I think we are raising three pretty good kids. I love my job and it's flexibility. But even with all I have already there are times I think, "Man, I wish I had no responsibilities and could..." Or, "I wish I made more money so I could go..." Or even, "I want more for myself in..."

And I do want more. I want to have more responsibility at my job but I know I cannot do that with three little kids at home right now. I will probably have to wait to "move up" until home life can function a little more independently without me. I do want to travel, see beautiful views, and do exciting things, but I also wanted a new house so the money we are making is being spent living more comfortably at home. I do want to be able to drop everything I am doing to go on a cross country road trip without car seats and echoes of "Are we there yet?" but I also desire more time with my kids because I hear, "They grow up way too fast!" And they do. I don't want to look back on my life and in my pursuit of getting it all realize I missed out on too many of the important, too many of the small things in life that make it so beautiful and so worth living.

Priority ~ teach my kids to love each
other and the outdoors.

So instead of searching for ALL I am trying to find balance and happiness with what I have. My husband and I set our priorities (sometimes they don't always match) and those become our dreams for the present. Our dreams are to raise three successful kids, to be as debt-free as possible, to enjoy our life on the farm and the simple things in life. I'm not giving up on dreams of the future, I just know I can appreciate all that I have because I have it pretty good!