Selfish Mommy

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein was one of my favorite books as a child. I think I loved the idea someone would love a child so much s/he would give that child everything s/he had. That idea brought me a lot of comfort I suppose. This weekend, as we started to prepare for Christmas, I thought it would be great to read The Giving Tree to my children as a way to teach them about giving and being selfless and loving others.

I made it about halfway through the book when I started to get pretty emotional. I choked out the last half of the book with the kids looking at me like I was crazy. My toddler even asked, "Mommy, why are you crying?" Most people might get a little choked up because it's a sentimental story of unconditional love. Me...I was getting choked up because I was thinking, "Holy crap! That tree is the most selfless, amazing thing on this planet. There is no way I would give that brat (because, let's be honest, that boy is a selfish little punk) everything I had."

My family...the ones I would
do ALMOST anything for.

Then I felt the mommy guilt I always get. How selfish am I? I know I can be. I don't always let my kids eat before I eat because I can get some hanger like you wouldn't believe (just ask my husband). I will sometimes ignore them in the morning (I've taught them all how to get their own breakfast) so I can sleep in on the weekends. I don't let them dictate everything we play, do, or read. I go on girls' weekends, go for runs, and tell them to play in their rooms because I need some time to myself. All of this is okay, isn't it? Am I being selfish?

All of the above may possibly, kinda make me a selfish mommy but I was reminded tonight, after a long day of fulfilling their needs, how often they take over everything in my life.

We had just arrived home. I leave all three children in the living room while I go use the bathroom. Enter my toddler who literally sings and dances in front of my while I am going. Then my 6-year-old comes in whining about how hungry he is. "I'm starving. When are we going to eat? When are YOU going to make ME some food?" I was patient at first but something in me snapped and I screamed, "I will take care of ALL of your needs once I am done taking care of my own biological needs!!!"

With a puzzled look on his face he asks, "What's a biological need?"

"POOPING! I AM POOPING! Can you please give me five minutes so I can finish and then I will cook you supper?!?!?"

Exit both children. With head in my hands feeling ashamed of myself, it dawns on me that I am not always selfish. I just let my toddler entertain me while I sat on the toilet because of her need for attention. I get to play peek-a-boo with her and the shower curtain while I'm taking a shower most days, again due to her need for attention. I play Legos and school and do arts and crafts with them until I have nightmares about mathmatic Lego men who puke glitter. I lay by their beds when they are having a tough time going to sleep singing requested songs, rubbing their backs, scratching their arms. I clean up their puke, poop, and snot. I let them live rent-free in my womb for 9 months, birthed them and then nursed them for another 9 months. I have given all of my energy on most days and then feel guilty that I didn't give enough. It is tough, tiring, and trying being a mom and I love it...well, most of it.

The truth is, I want my children to see that it's great to give their time, efforts, talents and love to others but I also want them to know it's okay to take care of themselves. I hope they understand that I love all of things we get to do together but the world does not revolve around them. I hope they know that sometimes they will get my undivided attention but sometimes Mommy needs to be a bit selfish and put my own needs first so I can be a better Mommy. And I really hope they begin to learn that when I go into the bathroom I would really like some privacy :)